A Business Letter To My Parents
Dear Mom and Dad: If you recall, in the summer of 2006, I gave you a total of $30 to cover gas expenses in exchange for unlimited use of your jet skis. These contributions were given on two separate...
View ArticleExplaining The Prefixes “Ass” and “Butt” To A Foreigner
As you know, helping others is a passion of mine. The other day, a foreigner came up to me with a perplexed look. He was worried that he was about to lose his job over a simple breakdown in...
View ArticleHaving a Zillionairette
I can still remember it vividly… It was flat-out unwatchable, perhaps the most pitiful display of high school athletics I’d ever witnessed. At the time, I was a sophomore in college, attending my...
View ArticleThe Krusty Force
All around us, there are forces of nature, such as gravity and magnetism, that act upon our world. However, there is another force of nature that you are probably unaware of, a power I like to call...
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Top Five Worst Things About My Recent Hospital Stay
After spending three days in the hospital for the birth of our daughter, I thought I would offer Sacred Heart some constructive criticism regarding things that were lacking in our stay: 1. No Pool....
View ArticleThe Unnecessary Theater of Ordering Food at a Restaurant
There is a lot of unnecessary theater when ordering food at a restaurant. Recently, I had a waiter who took my table’s order but opted to forgo a notepad or bother to jot anything down. He just nodded...
View ArticleMy Wife is a Cougar
Sorry to disappoint, she’s not a “cougar” in the traditional sense. Picture her as a literal cougar, sitting atop a precipice stalking her prey. Crouched, her legs are like springs, waiting for an...
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The Otis Spunkmeyer Conspiracy
Anyone that has school-aged children knows that there is no greater risk to their immediate survival than the biohazard known as peanut dust. Judging by the degree of vigilance exercised by school...
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Top Five Things I Say to the Dog on a Daily Basis That Makes My Wife Jealous
I love you. You are soooo beautiful. Trapper, you are such a majestic/dignified/regal creature. I missed you so much today. Can I help you with any household chores? (Alright, I made that one up, but...
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Raising Hobos
My children, panhandling on a street somewhere.Speaking as a father, I have come to the sad realization that all children have the innate social decorum, personal hygiene skills, and civility of your...
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